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In which Isilme and her Beloved travel to the ends of the earth to secure an apple press but our treacherous “offroads” get them, only for the RAC to compound the problem.

Yesterday (this was written Friday), we went to collect an apple press. After that, we popped into a pub and had our main meal of the day (usually we have the main meal in the evening, unless we eat out).

Then we decided to go to a nearby indoor market that looked really good online. It took us ages to find it – only to discover it had closed a year ago and only the building was still there. So we looked around other shops in the mall for quite a while, then popped into Aldi and then to Sainsbury’s and bought some food and a 2-pint bottle of milk. We realised we were actually quite tired, so decided to go home.

Annoyingly we couldn’t find the petrol station at Sainsbury’s (the signs took us to just a car park) so we had to get petrol further on. While paying for the petrol, My Beloved saw some Danish pastries – or rather, where they had been – and wanted some. Nearby was a Greggs so he went in, hoping to find Danish pastries, but there were none. They did have packs of mince pies though, so he got those and we ate one each and they were very good.

The best route back had winding roads, lots of countryside, few houses. We had mis-timed it somehow and ended up snarled in traffic during rush hour, so it was getting dark by the time we hit the countryside, We were tired and just wanted to get home as quickly as possible and get a cup of tea. It should have been a 2-hour journey.

About an hour into the journey, out in the middle of nowhere, the car hit something on the road, there was a bang and the tyre went flat. We had to pull over to the side of the road, put hazard lights on and my Beloved used my handbag torch to go and find his bigger torch and lantern in the boot. His brightest light wasn’t working because it had lost its charge.

Now with these modern cars, the manufacturers have decided that a spare tyre is entirely unnecessary. So the car doesn’t come with a spare tyre. It comes with a little spray bottle thingy that you’re supposed to spray into the tyre and it fills the puncture.

He had his own spray can of similar stuff. So he sprayed it into the tyre. It dribbled out. The puncture was big enough to fit two fingers in, and the spray stuff was useless for something that big. So we phoned the RAC (hooray for mobile phones).

The automated message from RAC said they would send us a link in a text and we should fill in the on-line form. The signal was intermittent so we had a bit of difficulty but eventually filled in the form – which told us we would need to speak to an operative, so please phone this number (the number we’d first rung).  Aaarrgghh! Finally we got to a real person.

The RAC asked if we were on a road. Well, yes, of course we were! So they asked the speed limit on the road. Technically it was 60 miles an hour, but one could never go that fast with the winding roads and besides it was fairly remote and very few cars were using the road – and it was dark. No, they said, we don’t allow our people to operate on a road with a 60 mile an hour speed limit and they wouldn’t shift from that.

We asked what to do then. We had paid for them to help us in these situations. They told us we should phone the police so that they could put cones around us and then transport our car to a layby or similar safe place. THEN the RAC would send someone out to help us. (No wonder the police aren’t catching criminals…) They told us that the police would be quicker because the RAC would take two hours to get to us. We ended the phonecall.

My Beloved said, “Blow that for a lark” and we looked at Gurgle satellite view and saw there were buildings further ahead and thus the likelihood of a drive, or a gateway we could pull into. Driving slowly, he headed over the hill and immediately we saw a big “P” for park – a layby!!!!! Yay!!

We limped into the layby and phoned RAC again to tell them we were now in a layby. They then sent him a text so he could press a button to give them our location. We’d told them which road, but couldn’t be much more specific. The button wouldn’t work. Lack of signal. Then he gave them my number. It worked and they got the signal. We found out later that the location signal had told them which road we were on, but not our location on the road. It was a very long road. So it didn’t actually help!!

Anyway, we’d rung them around 7pm and they said they’d be with us by 9pm with a new tyre. Beloved then had to explain that whatever we’d hit had also dented the rim. Okay, they said, we’ll bring a new wheel. In the process of telling them the specifications of the tyre/wheel, he realised that the car had lockable wheel nuts. He couldn’t find the key.

Although we’d had the car over a year, most of that year he’d had been ill, so we’d hardly used it. We don’t know if the unlocker had come with the car but we’ve lost it, or whether it didn’t have one in the first place. Whatever, that meant they’d have to come and take us (and the car) home. Sigh.

They said they’d keep us updated via text. But they sent a text with a link to the updates – and for a long time I couldn’t get on there due to lack of signal. But they’d said 9pm on the phone. And so we waited. We were hungry. Our evening meal was two mince pies each, plus milk to drink (thankfully we’d bought milk!) 9pm came and went.

I finally managed to get to the updates. They had updated it at 7.19 to say that our “slot” was between 11.10pm and 2.10am. Whaaaat?

So we sat in the car until we felt uncomfortable. Then we walked up and down the layby. Then we sat in the car again, staring at the rubbish bin which read “Litter and dog waste” (it was all I had to read – hadn’t expected to need to bring a book). Couldn’t look on the mobile too much – needed to keep it full of juice.  And we had to answer calls of nature behind the hedge – but it was dark and hardly any cars came by anyway. Maybe half a dozen in the whole time we were there.

At 12.30 Friday morning on the dot, I got a phonecall. The guy said, “I have just been called by RAC to come and collect you. Where are you?” Sigh! Beloved told them roughly how far we were from the last village we’d gone through. He said he’d take an hour to reach us. Then I got a text from RAC to say they’d contacted one of their partners to come and get us. So … they just let us sit there for five and a half hours before even contacting someone to help us???

The man duly arrived exactly an hour later with his flat-bed truck. We got into the truck while he buckled up the car. Then we found that the quickest route home was not to be – the road was closed. The man had sat nav, so we went the way it said. Along a very narrow road with passing places. The poor man was a bit worried. We went up a very steep hill and as soon as the road levelled out, it was also shrouded in thick fog. We had actually been on this road on a nice day, in daylight. We knew there was a sheer drop on one side of the road. The man driving didn’t know that. We didn’t tell him. There was actually a wall between the road and the drop, but still….

Eventually we got on to a slightly wider road and Beloved had to warn the man that a very narrow bridge was coming up. Gulp! And it was narrow. The truck only just got through without hitting the sides and there was just enough room for him to turn with the trailer part of the truck without hitting anything. The poor man was sweating buckets. After that, it was plain sailing and proper roads.

We got home and he couldn’t get up our driveway to drop the car, so he dropped it in the roadway nearby. After he left, Beloved carefully drove it into our driveway. It was 3am. We got indoors, had a hot cuppa, and were in bed by 4am. It took me a while to get off to sleep, oddly enough, though I was so tired I was almost dropping. We slept until 10.30am (Friday) morning, 

Oh, and the really funny thing is that when we first got home, I opened the front door and there on the mat was a letter from the AA offering us car insurance. Was that timely? Or is there an AA mole at the RAC? All I can say is that I’m grateful we never saw the use for an electric car. We needed the heater on during those 6 1/2 hours of waiting.

Needless to say, one of the first things we’ll do is get a spare wheel. Although they don’t come with the car, there is a space for one. And we must get one of those unlocking things for the wheel nuts.

We shall recover from the ordeal by eating pie tonight (the last two slices).

………..

JH: I’ve a little tale from around 1995. I was heading west on the M25 just to the east of the A110, not far from White Hart Lane, can’t remember exactly, nor who was with me but just as I went under the flyover, there was a wrenching below and my prop shaft fell out, catapulting towards the car behind. Missed him.

My car (of the sort pictured) finally came to rest near the AA box, I called them and they had a towtruck there in about 40 mins, from the South Mimms AA place.

The nice part was the use of a Volvo estate, with which I, by myself now, circumnavigated the M25 and let me say, if you don’t already know … it takes a fair while … the only frightening part being the proximity to Croydon at one point.